I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
