nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
false alarm, still single
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
