if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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