I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
