i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
