Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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