she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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