So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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