my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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