I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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