My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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