I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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