So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
