I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
