I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
