Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
