I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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