We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
