I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
