got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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