I just cut my nipple shaving
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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