I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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