I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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