life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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