my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
