I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
