If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
