People in love make me want to vomit
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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