All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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