Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
