wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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