im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
