you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize