I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
