the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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