fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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