Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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