i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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