do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
