I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
