He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just pee around me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
