How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
