that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
