Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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