Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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