we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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