We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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