No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
