u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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