he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
