I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
