yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
