The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
