what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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