At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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