Im at strip club and am horny
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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