So drunk its hurt
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
