Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
