I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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