Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
two words...techno handjob
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
