I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
