My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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