atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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